By Hook or By Crook
by Rot-Chan
Summary: Minato opened Kushina's shirt, and was met with the perfect view of two...breasts. Um, what? "But, you're...a guy! A MALE!" In which the future Hokage incorrectly identifies his future wife as a man. Nothing like true love. ::Minato/Kushina. One-shot.


**"By Hook or By Crook" **

(willing to do anything to get what you want)

**by Frenchbeats.**

**Summary**: Minato opened Kushina's shirt impatiently, and was met with the perfect view of two . . . breasts. "But, you're . . . you're a guy! A male!" Minato/Kushina humor, a 'gender-confused' romance - and a little smut.

**Rating**: High T (15/16+)

**Note**: a reply to a Naruto Kink Meme request. I had a lot of fun writing this. I hope you all enjoy. Thanks for your support, to all readers/reviewers/subscribers. I appreciate your kindness. Don't forget to leave a review! Reviews = TLC - I have a migraine.

* * *

When Minato first saw Kushina Uzumaki, he wanted to kiss him.

His hair was bright red, with hints of orange, like underripe cherry tomatoes, and cropped against his neck; his lips were always pursed, in a slight pout. And his smile, which always spread across his face slowly, revealed rows of perfect white teeth and an incisor that was slightly too-sharp.

He was in love.

---

Secretly, Minato would watch from the treetops as Kushina trained, drooling as his shirt rode up his taught, muscular abdomen, and when he bent over in his too-tight shorts.

While Kushina hit scarecrow targets, Minato jerked off.

---

They trained together, when they had to share the grounds; this was a start. A natural progression, Minato thought, grinning.

When Minato said, "Hey, Honeybee," Kushina stared at him.

As Minato threw a punch, he tried to graze Kushina's lips, but failed when the boy punched him in the face.

And when Minato gave up on inconspicuousness and attempted to casually grope Kushina's ass, he was fan kicked in the head.

---

Even though Kushina was still miffed, Minato went back to training with him.

They threw punches, dodged kicks, and in the end fell on the ground laughing, exhausted.

"Hey. Do you want to go get some ramen, or something?" There was that slow, easy smile again.

Score!

---

Frantically Minato planned to meet Kushina at the new ramen stand that had just been erected in the village.

Of course, thinking the word 'erected' brought other things to mind -

-Kushina underneath him, panting all hot and sexy while Minato leaned against his back, pounding in to him and jerking the other boy off while biting into the curve of his shoulder, tasting his slightly salty skin -

It took Minato an extra hour to get ready; thirty minutes spent with a hard-on trying to brush his teeth, and actually find the part in his hair; thirty to beat off, twice, then fly out the door.

---

This was going to be the perfect date; yes, the best date Kushina would ever have in his life. Minato was rarely interested in anyone but the opposite sex, but Kushina was special.

But Kushina, unlike how graceful he was on the training field, ate like brute; he barely make made small talk; he hated everything Minato liked, like strawberry pocky and rice candy . . . and had no qualms about saying, "It tastes like shit."

A miserable hour later, the two went outside to go home.

So maybe it hadn't been the best date ever. But had it been as horrible as Minato thought? What if Kushiha had been bored, and really //was// checking out the guy who worked behind the bar liked he'd imagined?

"Thanks for the date, Minato," Kushina said, kissing him a bit too close near his mouth.

Minato melted into a puddle of lovey-dovey mush.

"Minato?"

"..."

"Wow, you really are weird. All the good looking ones are either taken, gay, or crazy."

"..."

"Is that how that saying goes? Ah well, whatever. See you later, lover boy." Kushina went off, laughing.

---

When they went to train together few days later, it was practically ready to pour.

Kushina was wearing a shirt that didn't even _have_ material to cover his navel; his skin glistened slightly from a light drizzle and sweat.

Running a hand through his hair, Kushiha said, "Maybe we should go in-mmphh."

Minato kissed him.

Unable to resist, Minato pulled the other boy's head closer to his, loving the weirdly spicy taste of fish cake and cinnamon in Kushina's mouth.

"Mmmnn..." Was it Kushina who moaned? Or him? Minato didn't care.

Pressing the smaller boy against a tree, Minato felt him open his mouth slightly; he took the opportunity to delve his tongue into Kushina's mouth, feeling his teeth and biting his lower lip.

When Minato reached to unbutton Kushina's shirt, there was a sound of protest.

"Ah...stop..."

The begging made a pleasurable shiver crawl up Minato's spine.

Impatiently, Minato ripped open Kushina's shirt, and -

He was met with the perfect view of . . . two . . . breasts.

"Oh . . . _**oh**_."

* * *

Minato was confused.

Kushina's breasts were small . . . but there, nonetheless.

Breasts could be any size; he had dated a woman who had boobs fit for pornography, and a woman so flat chested . . . .

She could have been a boy, Minato thought, as a wave of terrible realization washed over him.

Above him, Kushina's face was a red as his - _her_ hair.

Minato, gulping, in a sweat, stuttered, "But, how - you're a . . . you're a guy. A male!" And when he reached down to grope her as the final piece proof . . . he was kicked in the crotch. Painfully.

---

When he woke up, Minato was soaked.

So he thought that Kushina was a dude. But they had never even met until three weeks ago! And, and, all those time when he trained with . . . her, she was so rough, and never whined about pulling hair or getting punched, or . . . .

Well, damn. _Now_ what?

---

For the next two days, Minato disregarded all his missions and spent time trying to 'win back' Kushina.

He sang a song for her that he made up in three minutes, that had lines such as, 'You can't spell love without Kushina, and you can't spell . . . pineapple . . . without '-ina'.

(She laughed out loud and threw a pear at him.)

He wrote her corny love poems and used words that rhymed with 'shoe' and 'blue'.

(Minato gaped when she fed it to a dog tied up on a leash.)

He tried telling her 'sorry' through a collage of paper, dandelions, and orange peels.

(It was promptly lit on fire with a neon pink lighter, and thrown near Minato's feet, making him squeak.)

He was doomed.

---

Minato sat in his apartment that next day, trying to forget about Kushina.

But every time he turned on the TV, there was Kushina, in an annoying yapping dog (she did yap), and in a girl with red hair, and in a cup of fruit, because she loved fruit.

So Minato took a walk near the 24 hour convenience store, when there, lo and behold, was Kushina, waving her arms.

I'm just seeing things again, because I wish it was her, Minato thought miserably as he started to walk by.

"Hey! Hey! Look at me!"

Now I'm hearing things, too, Minato thought, feeling worse.

"..._**Minato**_!"

Suddenly, something connected with his head. It was a kiwi. Who carries around kiwis, but Kushina?

Minato bounded over, an imaginary tail wagging. "Kushina! It is you!"

The girl stared blankly, then slapped her forehead. "Yeah . . . unfortunately."

The two stood in silence; the street light flickered, and an old couple sat on the bench a few feet away, watching them.

"Look, I don't know what the hell you thought you were doing, pulling open my shirt, thinking I was a . . .guy," Kushina grimaced. "And I have no idea why you think you can sing, or write . . . or do anything creative, really."

Minato's face fell.

Kushina sighed and smiled her slow smile. "But I guess that besides the stupid songs and the bad conversation skills and the sexual assault, you're not all that bad."

Minato looked hopefully into her eyes, but didn't have time to blink as she pulled on his shirt and brought his mouth to her's.

---

Over the next ten years, Minato stopped serenading, never made another collage, and took Kushina out on proper dates.

Kushina taught Minato how to write, grew out her hair, made him pay for Ichiraku's, and always made them fruit smoothies.

Later, they taught each other how to make bad jokes on purpose, how to survive being with their in-laws, and how to raise a child.

And to think it all began with one stupid boy, one brutish girl, and a gender-confused romance.

---

**(End)**


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